Well it's been a while since I last wrote. The main reason being that my doctor changed my antidepressants and they have knocked me for six!
For the first 3 days I did practically nothing but sleep then when I felt more awake I did lots of activities and tired myself out again! Since then I have been feeling rather tired and very strange! I can't really explain what it is I am feeling so if I'm not feeling better by the end of the week I will be going back to the doctor to see if she can work it out! I hope I feel better soon though because it is quite hard to cope with that and everything else that goes on day to day, not least my mental health in general.
While I have been trying to adjust to the new tablets I received a letter from the Community Mental Health team following my assessment and I have been referred to another department and a few days later I heard from them and found that there might be a waiting list of several months. I hope it is much less than that because I have been really down and my moods have been erratic recently. I feel worse than I ever have and more in need of counselling. I have never before actually felt I needed counselling!
I have been finding my dad (who also suffers from depression) really hard to cope with recently and it is really difficult to see if that is because of how he is or how I am or both! Where I have been in the best position to understand how he feels before I now seem to have NO patience with him or sympathy for him! For the first time ever I actually physically lashed out at him last week. I was able to put some control into it so I just smacked him twice on his knee as I passed his chair but I wanted to thump him or something! That really worried me! The Mental health department contacted me to let me know they were going to take on my case and to ask for information about how I was. I was very specific and told them I had hit my dad because I don't like being out of control and I really want to get help before it becomes a problem I can't control!! I didn't ever think I would be capable of this!!
This might be quite uncomfortable for people to read but I am being totally honest because I want anyone who stumbles upon my blog to see that these kind of emotions can overtake anyone and not to be ashamed to admit it or ask for help. I am not ashamed of what I have done because it has a root and the shame is in letting those emotions rule you and NOT get help to control them! I will continue to share how things go so that you will see how to deal with similar problems or help those in similar situations.
I am away at a friends this week so that I can have some space away from my dad and the situation and to have some fun in the hope that when I return home my moods will have settled down and I will feel happier and more secure! My friend has a kitten and it is the first time He and Dulcie will have met so we are both looking forward to seeing how they react to each other. Keep your eyes open as I will post any fun videos or cute pictures of them both!
Well I am going to sign off now.
Wishing you all well throughout the days ahead