After The Rainbow

Today has been a good day! Despite my alarm not going off I managed to get up and out to the Summer Fayre at Dad’s church. 

I was a little later than planned and sadly without Mum as she’s not well but it was lovely to look around and find some pretty bits to buy and to be able to be out in the glorious sunshine for a while! I felt great! Not just because the sun is shining and hot but because I tried on a dress I bought last month that was a little close fitting and it looks great! Since trying it on when it first arrived I must have lost a little weight! Knowing I’ve lost some weight always makes me feel great and gives me more confidence! So here is a picture of me in my new dress! 

The sun is making me feel more able to do things too so I hang out the washing for mum and found a little shabby chic storage chest upstairs which I have brought down to my room to put things I make in it for my next home! 

I have an urge to start sorting through boxes and getting rid of things I don’t need to make more space for the things I do want to keep for my next home! I know I have to be careful to not over do it though so it will be doing just small amounts at a time, not going mad and ending up making myself ill again! Check out Teri’s Handmade Home blog for more information about my plans for my next home! 

So today feels like I might have made it to the other side of the Rainbow and it’s lovely and sunny!

New Start

Hi All

You may or may not have noticed I have a new Page on my blog entitled 'Looking for the Good in Things!' though I may decide to change the name to simply Good Things it's content and purpose will not change!

It is a list that is going to grow day by day listing all the good things in my life! Having ME, Depression and Diabetes means there is an awful lot of bad stuff in my life and sometimes it can be hard to see what good is going on! So I am going to start to look for the good things! Some of them may seem like silly little things but it is a good place to start and as I continue I hope to start to see bigger good things going on! It's all about trying to look at things from a different perspective and focus on the good and not the bad! I am hoping that it will also help me get better if not physically then mentally!

I am also trying to learn to rest more and spend less time on the fun but energy zapping laptop! so if you see a bit less of me don't think I have forgotten you, I haven't I am just trying to focus on getting well! This is also a big learning curve! Isn't amazing how fast time zooms by when you are online? So I am going to try and remember to set an alarm so I spend only 1 hour at a time on there! I will let you know how I am doing and what works for me!

So as I am writing about looking for the good in things I am reminded of the name of my blog...Rainbow Days! Do you see the rain and be sad or look for the rainbow? The good in the bad. I am seeking rainbows!

New Hair, New Me?

I love having long hair! I love feel of it swishing against my back!

I tend to fall into a pattern of growing my hair long then cutting it quite short (by comparison) and then growing it long again! This time it was below my waist and the longest it has ever been!

The thing is when it gets long it drags my hair down and it loses all bounce at the roots! So it was time to have it cut again and get back some lovely body and curl to my hair!

So yesterday I had my hair cut and it is lovely! I really love it and had loads of
lovely comments from friends from the pictures I posted on Facebook
so I thought I would share them with you too.

Now doesn't that look better? And I feel happier too! Bring on the curls!!

I Love!

My last few blogs have been very serious and rather sad and today hasn't been any better! Last night mum fell off her chair, this morning she fell down the stairs! A couple of friends are having a tough time and I have felt rather blue! BUT I though that I would write about things that I LOVE! Simple things like:-

I love the sound of the birds singing in the rain
as they were when I was in the bathroom just now,

I love the way my doggy responds to my touch!



I love the sound of my cats purring and the way
my bunny bounces over to see me whenever I pass her cage!

I love the sun as it falls on the houses just before it sets!



I love movies that make me laugh and songs that make me cry

I love getting a text from a friend just to say hi and
getting a letter from a friend who lives a long way away!

I love the Chinese takeaway we're having for tea tonight!

I love to have a reason to indulge in Chocolate Lumpy Bumpy Cake!

And finally I love the smell of Lilies and
the way you can smell them even before you enter the room!

Learning Tough Lessons

Hi

I have been hit hard by an article I read the other day called 'I Surrender' on (In)Courage written by Sara Frankl. Like me she suffers with very restrictive health issues although more severe than mine as she is totally house bound. I went on from her article to her blog Gitzen Girl where she had also written some of the same powerful words that hit me again!

How I came across this was seemingly by chance but I don't believe in chance and do believe in God's guidance!

I get Dayspring Devotions to an email I hardly use anymore and sadly I tend to delete them without even looking at them but today I was sorting out my emails and somehow found myself reading that piece on (In)Courage!

So much of my life mirrors Sara's description of hers in her article although our illnesses are different the effect is the same! (I have already talked about this a bit in my previous blog entries and some of this you might already know about me. But as I went to Sara's blog and added my own comment I felt like it was very powerful and important and so I am bringing it to my blog.)

You know I have ME. I would say it's not very bad and I'm managing it and I'm ok. All those things you tell yourself to hide from the truth and because there are people out there who have so much worse than me! Like my friend who is in hospital with her ME cos she is having trouble breathing, she is in a wheelchair, she can hardly eat and is on morphine for the pain! But reading Sara's article I've had to look at myself a bit more honestly. She talked about fighting it and that is what I am doing. Fighting, fighting, in the hope if I keep fighting it I am doing something, that it might make me better, that I might feel better because I am achieving something! But ME doesn't work like that! If you fight and push and do that something, you suffer for it afterwards!

My poor doggy hadn't had a walk in weeks, maybe months because putting the dog in the car and driving to a field, letting her have a run and then driving home again was too much for me but walking causes discomfort and aches! Never the less something needed to be done. Maybe I could manage a 10 minute walk around the block everyday at least that would be better than nothing. So I took her out but 10 minutes didn't seem enough so we walked for 30. I felt great! What a sense of achievement! So the next day we went for a 20 minute walk despite the fact my calves were sore. The next day I was in agony and resting in bed! It hurt every time I moved and every step downstairs that I couldn't avoid because that is where the toilet is! The last few days have been pretty much a wash out I have been so tired and feeling foggy, struggling to wake up!

And so it is this state I come to Sara's article and then from there to her blog! Knowing that somehow, although I thought I had let God into every area of my life, I was trying to do it alone and that I need to let God into this area too. Allow him into the frustrations of not being to get out for a meal with friends, not being able to go on holiday this year, not being able to get back to my old home to see all the friends I left behind, whom I haven't seen in nearly 6 years and miss like crazy! And it hurts like hell! I'm not sure how to do it! How do I let down those barriers? I struggle to hear His voice! I don't know how to stop burying myself in the internet and little bits of activity I do to let go. The frustrations of not being able to manage to push my little business of selling online the things I make for fun and therapeutic benefit.

I am not totally housebound yet but I'm worried that I will be for a while so I can find out what I CAN do without payback! That God might take me down to zero activity. That things might get even worse than they already are! Isn't that usually the way when God asks you to let go of the control of part of your life? Fear can really get in the way and, as fear does, paralyse you. In this case spiritually!

This all sounds really depressing and it is really emotional for me to write. But it is a beginning of a new journey, one I have no idea of how it will be and where it will take me. Hopefully I am ready to take it, maybe strong enough to step onto it. I want to do what God wants me too and follow His plans for my life! If I didn't, I wouldn't be 36 and still single but I believe that God's plan is perfect and that no matter how hard things are now one day everything will fall into place and I will look back at the tough times and say "so thats why that happened!"

DC Talk sang a song called 'In the Light' and that is where I want to be! In God's light. I will leave you with that to watch courtesy of youtube

ME is Pants!

Hello!

Today is a rant day! I am feeling very depressed and have very painful calves all because I dared to take my dog for a walk not exceeding 30 mins for the last 2 days!

I hate the fact that having ME means that putting the dogs in the car to run on a nearby field is so taxing that I couldn't do it more than once a week so I think lets try and get out for a little walk around the block each day even if it's just for 10 minutes! It's better than what my poor doggy has been getting.

So off we go and the weather is lovely and so we walk a bit further than planned. We had a lovely time and my little doggy was such a good girl and we get home tired but refreshed!

Me and my lovely doggy, Dulcie

The next day I'm a bit tired and rather achy so we don't go so far and again really enjoyed being out in the fresh air which is meant to be good for ME and depression!

But by evening my calves were really hurting! they hurt every time I moved throughout the night and painkillers and ibugel aren't helping!Talking of which I ought to take some more! I consult my ME friends with more experience of dealing with this damn illness and the general feeling is that I am overdoing it already!! Aaaarrrrggghhh!!!!!!!!!! I am so frustrated!!

The sun is shining and I want to be out in it! Instead I am lying on my bed watching tv and pouring all my frustrations out on my computer! Even my doggy has deserted me for the fresh air and lying at the gate watching the world go by!

When M.E. Gets in the Way

Well today my local ME group that meets once a month is meeting today. For the first time since I started going they are having a meeting where people can share how they are doing and if they have tried any alternative therapies that have worked for them. It would have been great and I'm sure that the group will find it very helpful in a deeply emotional way! There is nothing like talking to people who totally understand how you are feeling from a place of experience especially when it is exhausting having to explain how you're feeling and why!

And I can't go!

This is the reality of having ME. You can't even access things you need to access because events have stripped you of your energy! As has happened to me through the events of the last 48 hours!

It all started by a filling falling out and a visit to the emergency dentist. Now I am a dentist phobic of massive proportions and have all my treatment under sedation. So when I went I wasn't expecting to have any treatment and to have another appointment scheduled. So it was a shock and very upsetting to be faced with an extraction under local anaesthetic or days or weeks of pain while I find an NHS dentist and be referred for sedation! Well I couldn't cope with another night of pain so with tearful trepidation I agreed to have the tooth out.

My Dad was with me and came to hold my hand through the injection, ooh how I hate injections in my mouth! Injection over I now had to wait for it to take effect. Dad went to sit down again because he wasn't feeling well. You might think he was just squeamish and feeling faint but he has a rare heart condition that comes on suddenly and it was doing it now in the middle of my tooth extraction! My mouth was now numb enough to take out my tooth and Dad came to hold my hand again but couldn't stay. In the middle of my tooth coming out he is now feeling really ill and the dental team have divided attentions as they are trying to see if my dad is ok! Well my dad hates hospitals and suddenly he says he thinks he needs an ambulance! Ok so I'm now toothless and very worried about my dad. He is very pale and pasty! The dental staff are getting out oxygen and defibrillator (which he won't need) and unpacking all the bits so it's ready if needed while I have a pack in my mouth to stop the bleeding! Then the dental nurse accidentally presses a button on the defibrillator and it starts talking very loudly about stripping the patients clothes off before launching into instructions on how to use it! It made us laugh as she quickly whisks the machine off down the hall still loudly instructing her how to revive the patient! Dad is beginning to look and feel better as is usual with these attacks and then the ambulance arrives. They talk to him about the medication he's taken and how's he's feeling while I'm shooed out of the room for no real reason which was a shame as I held an important piece of information but thats ok cos I can impart that later in the ambulance. Based on the fact that I've had a tooth out and probably a bit shocked because of Dads collapse it is agreed I'll abandon the car, go in the ambulance and come back for the car tomorrow.

So in the ambulance dad is talking about how he didn't get any warning and had only taken 3 tablets (to reduce his blood pressure) when I said my bit. "you did get warning dad. You took a tablet at 6.30!" He had forgotten and that meant that he had taken too many tablets which explains why his blood pressure was through the floor! The ambulance man explained that he would only ever administer half that while dad had been told he could take 3 he had actually taken 4! It was very funny, you should have seen the twinkle in the ambulance mans eyes every time he recounted to the necessary member of staff that dad had taken FOUR tablets!

Well we arrived at A&E at 7.45 and had to wait in the corridor for a while before getting seen by the nurse who ran the usual tests ECG, Blood sugar level, blood pressure which is, by now, looking more normal. We are expecting that the dr will look at the ECG and then sign him off and we'd be home at 9pm or a little after. Well at just before 9pm and then I rang mum to tell her that. I went back to Dad to find they were doing a round of blood tests and would need to take another lot in 90 mins! That is when I wilted and said thats enough for me! Dad bargained with the dr that he would stay for tests if the dr would get me the painkillers that had been promised me, for which I had also had to register as a patient, as the anaesthetic was wearing off and I was beginning to hurt! Tablets were administered then I went and phoned mum again arranging for her to come down by taxi and me to take her taxi home where I finally got to have some dinner! Mum and Dad finally arrived home at 11.30 and we then had a takeaway as neither of them had eaten! By the time I got to bed it was 1am!

The next day we had to get a taxi to take us to the bank to get some money (my MOT had been on thursday and I needed the money to pay for it) and then on to the dentist to pick up the car. I hadn't had breakfast and it was lunchtime so after getting the car we had to drive around to find something to eat, missing the chip shop by just 2 minutes, we eventually found a bakers. We then had to pop in a couple of shops for some necessities then get some petrol and finally home by which time I was very tired.

I was still hopeful that I would make the meeting today but unfortuanately as one of my ME friends warned me the stress of all of this has intensified my tiredness. Well I hope the meeting goes really well and they decide to do it more often. I look forward to hearing all about it all. My day today will mean staying in a bed and resting. And it is from there that I am writing this. Hopefully if I take it easy today and tomorrow I will be well enough to help mum with food shopping on Monday!

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TAG! You're it!

Here's a bit of fun! I just got tagged by Scarlet Butterfly ... go check out her lovely blog where her picture is of her parents wedding!

The rules of this tag are:
1. open your first photo folder
2. scroll to the tenth photo
3. post the photo and the story behind it
4. tag five or more people

.... so this is my picture ....



This our Bessie! She is about 3 or 4 weeks old here! We were very privileged to have been able to been able to know her from birth as my doggy, Dulcie had 8 puppies Jan 2009! Bessie is asleep in her doggy mummy's bed! Bess was one of the easiest puppies to identify with that cute little white spot on her rump! Now she's a year old it is lovely to look back at the oh so cute baby pictures!

So here is who I am tagging ... have fun and I can't wait to see all your photos!

Beaded Tail
The Blooming Wildflowers Project
Understanding Severe ME
Counter Cultural Mum
The Shabby Chic Cottage

Love Teri xxx

A Rainy Day!

As I write this I am sitting on my bed with my leg resting on a rolled up duvet! I have a poorly ankle! I don't know what I have done to it but it has been really painful for a couple of days and yesterday after a phone call to a dr I went to A&E for an xray!Thankfully it's not broken just badly sprained and I was sent home to rest it! I was offered crutches but with Me they would be more trouble than they are worth! I was very grateful not to have broken a bone and need them! they would have put a lot of stress on the rest of my body and particularly my arms! So here I am sitting on my bed with my laptop and tv remotes to hand so that I can rest!

Now having ME you would think I would be used to resting! It's not the same though! I only rest on my bed for 3 or 4 hours a day and the rest of my day I spend with the family. I can potter about or go to the shop to get a few necessities, take the dogs for a little walk (which might be how I sprained my ankle in the first place!) but instead I am not allowed to drive and I'm not allowed to walk the dogs and I'm in my little room all alone! Well not so little room and not completely alone as I have my Dulcie dog to keep me company! (That said she has just taken herself off to my parents room! I've been deserted! "Dulcie Come here!" and I have my companion back again!)

Despite the 'Rainy day' feel of all this I think I might learn a few things! I'm not very good at pacing myself and not overdoing things which makes my ME worse! Maybe these few days in bed will help me to recoup some energy and maybe show me that I need to spend more time resting. I may find that spending a bit more time alone in my bedroom will help me feel more peaceful and reduce the number of arguments between me and Dad. I'll have more time to write my blogs and get to listen to more of my own music. I may find myself drawing closer to God and letting Him guide my actions more. I have already learnt some new skills on the computer which I have to say has been very encouraging! I sometimes get scared of trying things because I'm unsure of my own ability so maybe I can use this time to try some new things.

So as with all things we need to try and see the positive in what seems to be a negative situation and I am going to give that a try! I hope if you have something negative going on in your life right now you will try to look for the positives! Don't forget to look for the Rainbow after the storm!

God bless you

Teri xx

Living with M.E./C.F.S.

Kay Gilderdale was accused of murdering her severely disabled daughter. Lynn, who had lived ME most of her life, was bedridden and in constant pain. With the trial now over and Kay cleared of blame I have found myself asking how much people really understand what living with ME is really like? So last night I had to get up and write down my thoughts on living with ME. I want you to know that I do not consider myself to have Severe ME, in fact I would say it was moderate. These issues apply to most ME sufferers at some point during their fight with this debilitating illness.

So I would like to ask you a couple of questions.

Do you have a friend or family member with ME? Do you understand how ME affects them every day? Do you know that there are some things that they may be reluctant to admit for fear you might think less of them?

Things like a 15 minute shower is so exhausting that they may not manage it more than once or twice a week?

Did you know....

That food shopping or meeting a friend for coffee has such after effects that those might be the only times they leave the house that week?

That housework has to take a back seat as to do it would make them too ill to manage the rest of the things that need doing like making a meal, also something that is a big job and very tiring?

That hobbies have to be put aside and reading can become impossible?

That owning and walking a dog becomes a burden despite the fact that their very presence brings joy to your life?

That they can be utterly exhausted but unable to sleep?

That every activity or invitation to even the most special and important events have to be assessed based on how ill they will be afterwards and how many have to be turned down because they are not well enough to make it, often at the last minute?

That plans for the future are practically impossible and yet without them life is barely worth living?

That even writing this has made my wrists and hands hurt?

Did you know all this or has this been news to you? Has it helped your view of your family member, friend or colleague with a new understanding of what they are fighting? Maybe you now have a greater admiration of them and how much they still manage to achieve? I have several friends with ME and one who has it severely and is wheelchair bound but I have to say I have great admiration for all of them and how they are able to continue fighting this disease with a smile on their face and a positive attitude!

I hope you not only read this but you will pass this onto your friends so they too will understand a little more about ME. This is a condition that is poorly understood in the medical profession and less understood by the public who question if it is even real! Help me to change their minds. Please pass this on!

Thank you for taking the time to read this

Teri

Singles Summit

HI All,

I just wanted to share with you about a TV program on Sky (or Free Satellite) It's called Singles Summit and it is aired on KICCTV. It is really good to be able to watch a Pastor speak specifically to singles in a God filled message!

For those of us that find it hard to concentrate on sermons, these come in nice comfortable 30 minute slots!

Some of the sessions are specifically aimed at those of us who are over 30. It is so refreshing to hear a man of God say that it is rare to be called to singleness permanently and that it is denial to say that we are ok on our own and don't need that relationship that God ordained from the beginning of Life! Pastor Matthew also talked about cycles in our lives that happen every 6 months where in one cycle we accept our singleness and know that God has it in control and then in another cycle how we cry out to God with our whole being and offer compromises like "Anyone will do!" "I'll go to Africa instead, Lord and work full time for you!". I can so identify with that and I bet you do too.

I have found so much truth and encouragement in these sessions and take time to watch another session. I have spent so much time crying over the thoughtless things that married Christians say. The absolute worst being "when you tell God you don't want/need a husband, that's when God will send him to you!" When your whole being cries out for something you can't just let it go and say you don't want it anymore. That statement encourages hypocrisy and denial! God understands your deep desire and he knows how important it is to you. He also knows who is right for you and when is right for you and so we have to continually trust in our Father that He will bring this to pass in His timing and acknowledge that His timing is best for you/me /us.

On an update on how I am doing, I start group therapy at the end of October. I believe this is important not only for my mental health but also for me as a Christian single. I am praying that this will help me overcome problems in my life that are barriers to me meeting and marrying the man God has for me! I have recently realised that all the men in my life, my father, brother, abuser, friends have left me with hangups about relating to men. Now while I have only just realised this, God has always known it and He is helping me to this realisation so that I can face it, deal with it and move on!

I hope that you will be able to find your way to viewing these sessions and finding Gods truths through it. If you don't have sky, try to find a friend who could record them for you.

God Bless You greatly as you meet with Him during this time.

Wretched

I’m feeling utterly wretched today! I wish I could say it was just a bad day and that I would feel better tomorrow but I have felt like this for the last couple if days! If my Dad is pleasant and cheery I just feel really cross at him just because he is happy, I find it annoying. I Love my Dad, really I do, but I just can’t help or understand how I feel! Is it PMT? I used to be on the pill to regulate my periods but since being put on antidepressants. I have as a consequence put on weight and am at risk of a stroke if I remain on the Pill, therefore, I am suffering PMT for the first time ever! I am a total Bitch when I have it and as my periods are no longer every 4 weeks I don’t know when my period is coming and I don’t realise that I am suffering from PMT. I feel utterly cross all the time, it never seems to lift! Does anyone out there have any tips for dealing with PMT and for my parents, living with it? Why do I feel so cross? It is a horrid feeling.

I have so many lovely things around me and much to be happy about. Right this minute I have a lovely little dog lying asleep next to me, snoring slightly. Although she hasn’t been the best-behaved dog today. I had to laugh when I took her for a walk. I was sure there was no water around for her to wallow in, as she likes to do, but after she had run around for a while she ran over to a building currently being built and there was a trench filled with water! By the time I got over there She was thoroughly wet and muddy and very happy!

Well I guess there is no easy answer to how I feel, but if I find anything that helps me, I will share it with you! I do hope there is something out there otherwise I will have to just live through the wretched moods!

What a difference a......blog makes

I never thought writing a blog when I was feeling down would make such a difference! After writing my last blog I went away and did some research about treatment of PMT (or PMS as my doctor called it). Within minutes I had found out about various herbal treatments and was beginning to feel more positive. After a bit more research I found out about Agnus Castus which is from the berries of the Caste Tree. It is said to really help with the mood swings and the depression.

The next day I spoke to my Pharmacist about whether it would clash with my antidepressants (Mirtazapine) and as they didn't know they said they would come back to me, which they did a couple of days later. They couldn't find any contraindications but advised me just to check it out with my doctor. By now I was feeling better because I was back in control, I knew why I was feeling so bad and I was taking matters into my own hands by doing the research etc.

I saw my doctor yesterday (by which time ,with my period nearly over, I was feeling almost normal!) and she was very understanding. She said there was no proof of the helpfulness of herbal remedies but there was no clash with my medication. She said she was happy for me to try if it helped me even if that was just by giving a placebo effect. She also outlined other possible alternatives if the Agnus Castus doesn't work but I am going to try this for 3 months first.

The other thing that came out of my last blog was that a close friend contacted me to tell me how worried she was about me and to make some suggestions of her own to try. I was really touched by her help and most or all her concern about me! So my dear friend, you know who you are, a big thank you for being there as you always are!!!

Angry Moods

I’m feeling utterly wretched today! I wish I could say it was just a bad day and that I would feel better tomorrow but I have felt like this for the last couple if days! If my Dad is pleasant and cheery I just feel really cross at him just because he is happy, I find it annoying. I Love my Dad, really I do, but I just can’t help or understand how I feel! Is it PMT? I used to be on the pill to regulate my periods but since being put on antidepressants. I have as a consequence put on weight and am at risk of a stroke if I remain on the Pill, therefore, I am suffering PMT for the first time ever! I am a total Bitch when I have it and as my periods are no longer every 4 weeks I don’t know when my period is coming and I don’t realise that I am suffering from PMT. I feel utterly cross all the time, it never seems to lift! Does anyone out there have any tips for dealing with PMT and for my parents, living with it? Why do I feel so cross? It is a horrid feeling.

I have so many lovely things around me and much to be happy about. Right this minute I have a lovely little dog lying asleep next to me, snoring slightly. Although she hasn’t been the best-behaved dog today I had to laugh when I took her for a walk. I was sure there was no water around for her to wallow in, as she likes to do, but after she had run around for a while she ran over to a building currently being built and there was a trench filled with water! By the time I got over there She was thoroughly wet and muddy and very happy!

Well I guess there is no easy answer to how I feel, but if I find anything that helps me, I will share it with you! I do hope there is something out there otherwise I will have to just live through the wretched moods!

Well It's Been A While...

It has been a couple of months since my last blog so this is going to be a little up date on all my subjects to let you know how I'm doing.

Firstly, the detox. Oh my! what hard work that was! I lasted 2 weeks out of the 4 it was meant to be! It was supposed to give me more energy and hopefully help with losing weight! It made me more tired and that didn't wear off. I found there was a lack of good varied recipes, by the end of those 2 weeks I was fed up of sauces with tomatoes in as everything seemed to taste of tomatoes! I think part of the reason it didn't work for me was because of suffering with ME. I have found I need meat!!!

On the other hand, it was such a success for my parents that my mum is going back on it! Dad, as a result of the detox has discovered that he has an intolerance to wheat and soya as well as the lactose one he already has and that he is fine with red meat but not white. So, as you can imagine, cooking for dad is rather more challenging now!! Mum has had the most remarkable results though. She was on very strong painkillers for her arthritis every 6 hours and even those didn't kill the pain, they only took the edge off and sometimes didn't even do that! She now takes them only when needed, about once every 2 days, and when she does take them the painkillers actually do kill the pain!!

So although the detox didn't work for me, it may be worth a try as it worked so well for my mum!!

Unfortunately, since then it looks like I have acquired an intolerance to milk. It has been something I have been rebelling against for quite a while now. I thought it might have been causing the catarrh I was getting but that wasn't enough to put me off, however, recently, it has been affecting me more severely and I don't think I can keep ignoring it. I am not having cereals now and I'm cutting down how much milk I have in the hope that I can still have some on occasion as I really don't like the alternatives! Here's hoping

Moving onto the subject of counselling, I got a letter to tell me that I had been referred to the Community Mental Health Team for counselling but there was a long waiting list of several months and so I am still waiting for an appointment!

As for being single, it is still something I am struggling with!

I have a friend who is moving away soon and she already has someone in her new area in mind for me!! perfect in many ways but with an age gap that would concern me...not that his age, personality etc is the point, I have to stop myself grabbing hold of the idea of him being the right person for me! While I am open to the possibility that God will bring my husband to me through her I need to again step back and leave God to work out the details!

Recently, GOD TV were broadcasting from Jerusalem and provided everyone with the ability to present their requests to God by placing them on the altar in Jerusalem, among other things I presented the request to God again for my husband.

I have just added a book to my book list - When God Writes Your Love Story by Eric and Leslie Ludy. They suggest that you do things for your husband now that he can appreciate when you meet. One of them wrote letters which they gave to the other on their wedding night. Well I started doing that at a time when I was finding it especially hard, writing letters and making valentines cards. You might think I'm mad but I hope it will be something special to him when he does get them! However, it was a bit upsetting the other day when I realised that I had now been writing to him for 4 years! Again, I had to go back to God and cry out to him! I talked to a friend but as ever friends can be there for you but they do not have the answer! But I pray to God, please let it be this year! And if you like me are waiting for your special someone, and have been waiting a long while,! then I pray that prayer for you too. Oh Lord, please let it be soon!

Well it is getting late and I do need my sleep as I think does this computer it seems to be slowing down!!!

I pray that you will have found encouragement in this blog. If you have then please do contact me and let me know, you can leave a message to this thread if you don''t mind sharing your thoughts with other readers or you can email me direct. I would love to hear from you.

God be with you

Teri xxx

28 Days of Detox Starts Here!

Well I have just had my first meal on my new detox diet!!! I have to say that porridge without any sugar is most unappetising! It had seeds added but I wouldn't really try to eat it 'til I had added some sultanas. I then managed to eat most of it but it was a struggle. I hope it gets easier.

I like nuts and fruit and most vegetables and for the last month have had practically no meat. The hardest part of the detox is, therefore, dropping milk and sugar and (sob sob) chocolate!! All this in the hope that I will start to feel more awake and have more energy with the possible side effect of losing some weight and, boy, do I need to do that!!

At least I'm not alone. My family are on this detox too. Hopefully we will all see positive effects within the first couple of weeks. I had better go and get a glass of water now as I have to drink 8 glasses today!

Well I will keep you posted on the joys of Detox over the next 28 days.

For the rest of you out there enjoy your day and your coffee, chocolate and wine!!!

What a Day

What a day we have had! Do you believe in things happening in threes? I don't and based on today I have good reason. In our house it's a case of why stop at three?!

This morning the first main thing to happen was that my mum tripped up the steps in the garden and she grazed her shin right next to scarring from an injury from two years ago which left the skin on that leg very vulnerable. I put some antiseptic cream and a dressing on for her and then we went shopping.

When we got back we unpacked the shopping. My mum dropped a glass salt mill on the floor which we cleared up. A while later I walked into the kitchen and stepped hard on a bit of glass we missed in bare feet! It bled a bit and hurt a lot!

Then I was looking for my glasses and grazed my arm on the table beside my chair!
at Tea time my mum nearly went flying when she tripped over Dad's feet (Big feet, small lounge!) and then later I nearly fell down the stairs moving the clothes horse across the landing! All this in addition to the usual amount of people dropping things!

There is one thing that is certain, there really is never a dull moment in this house!!!

He's Already Here!

It's nearly 2am and I should be going to sleep but as I was winding down and listening to music I heard a lovely song that sounded like it should be from God to us.

I'm feeling down tonight but this song has really spoken to me. It's called 'I'm Already There'.

It's all about relationships but it starts off with a child asking his daddy when He was coming home and he replied "I'm already there"

A little voice came on the phone
Said daddy when you coming home
He said the first thing that came to his mind

I'm already there
Take a look around
I'm the sunshine in your hair
I'm the shadow on the ground
I'm the whisper in the wind
I'm your imaginary friend
I know I'm in your prayers
Oh I'm already there

I'm already there
Don't make a sound
I'm the beat in your heart
I'm the moonlight shining down
I'm the whisper in the wind
And I'll be there until the end
Can you feel the love that we share
Oh I'm already there

We may be a thousand miles apart
But I'll be with you wherever you are

I'm already there
Take a look around
I'm the sunshine in your hair
I'm the shadow on the ground
I'm the whisper in the wind
And I'll be there until the end

Can you feel the love that we share
Oh I'm already there

It's so lovely I almost have tears in my eyes! This is what I'm taking to bed with me tonight. God is here with me even before I ask him to! He always will be, through rain or shine, through laughter and pain, through my times of deep despair and unhappiness, He is there and he will love me until the end of time!! The whisper in the Wind. I pray that you will know His Love and Peace with you today too.

God Bless You

I'm all for an easy life

I'm trying to simplify my life and today I ended up getting into a row with my mum about it!!

Well actually it wasn't really a row; we were doing the shopping and as we loaded it into the car one of the bags broke and as we had a bag with us that was a re-usable bag and mostly empty I just dropped the broken bag and contents into the bag.

To me it was the simplest and most obvious thing to do! To mum, who had left her handbag at home and just brought her purse and keys, that was her handbag and it was inconvenient to her to have me throw some groceries in it!

While I need to continue my efforts to simplify my life I have learned that I need to take a moment to consider the effects of my actions on others around me!!

My mum and I have a good relationship and we got over it quite quickly but the idea of an easy life might work well for me in my mind but not necessarily those around me.

I am not going to change trying to simplify my life because I need to reduce the amount of stress I am under in particular spending time and energy trying to work things out when a simple solution is at hand but I am going to just take a moment lo nger to consider the effects of my actions on those around me!

The Day I Hit My Dad

Well it's been a while since I last wrote. The main reason being that my doctor changed my antidepressants and they have knocked me for six!

For the first 3 days I did practically nothing but sleep then when I felt more awake I did lots of activities and tired myself out again! Since then I have been feeling rather tired and very strange! I can't really explain what it is I am feeling so if I'm not feeling better by the end of the week I will be going back to the doctor to see if she can work it out! I hope I feel better soon though because it is quite hard to cope with that and everything else that goes on day to day, not least my mental health in general.

While I have been trying to adjust to the new tablets I received a letter from the Community Mental Health team following my assessment and I have been referred to another department and a few days later I heard from them and found that there might be a waiting list of several months. I hope it is much less than that because I have been really down and my moods have been erratic recently. I feel worse than I ever have and more in need of counselling. I have never before actually felt I needed counselling!

I have been finding my dad (who also suffers from depression) really hard to cope with recently and it is really difficult to see if that is because of how he is or how I am or both! Where I have been in the best position to understand how he feels before I now seem to have NO patience with him or sympathy for him! For the first time ever I actually physically lashed out at him last week. I was able to put some control into it so I just smacked him twice on his knee as I passed his chair but I wanted to thump him or something! That really worried me! The Mental health department contacted me to let me know they were going to take on my case and to ask for information about how I was. I was very specific and told them I had hit my dad because I don't like being out of control and I really want to get help before it becomes a problem I can't control!! I didn't ever think I would be capable of this!!

This might be quite uncomfortable for people to read but I am being totally honest because I want anyone who stumbles upon my blog to see that these kind of emotions can overtake anyone and not to be ashamed to admit it or ask for help. I am not ashamed of what I have done because it has a root and the shame is in letting those emotions rule you and NOT get help to control them! I will continue to share how things go so that you will see how to deal with similar problems or help those in similar situations.

I am away at a friends this week so that I can have some space away from my dad and the situation and to have some fun in the hope that when I return home my moods will have settled down and I will feel happier and more secure! My friend has a kitten and it is the first time He and Dulcie will have met so we are both looking forward to seeing how they react to each other. Keep your eyes open as I will post any fun videos or cute pictures of them both!

Well I am going to sign off now.

Wishing you all well throughout the days ahead

God Bless

Teri

Oh No! Not Valentines Day Again!

Valentines day again! That day when most singles feel like life isn't worth living if they haven't got a date or at the very least one valentines card!!! I have never received a valentines card in my life! Sooo depressing!!

I was chatting to a friend today and she was telling me that Americans have valentines cards for all kinds of relationships, friends, family etc and it made me think that Valentines day should be a day that celebrates all kinds of Love not just romantic Love!

So I would like to tell my parents and family how much I love them, how much I appreciate all they do and have ever done for me. For taking me back in when I got poorly and looking after me and always being there for me and loving me!

To my friends I love you all very much! Thank you for all the support you give me and for always being there! You all have such very special gifts and I am proud to be your friend!

I'm not feeling very down today although I am very tired having had a change in medication for depression. Apparently they make you sleepy!

Moving Forward

Today I went to see a Community Mental Health Specialist (my that sounds awfully dramatic!) It was an assessment for counselling. I have decided that now is the time to face the abuse that I received as a child head on! I was sexually abused by my brother’s best friend. I believe it has a lot to do with my single state. It affects my attitude to men and my subconscious vibes. I have been told before that when I am on my own I give off a ‘hands off’ air! However now is the time to allow myself the chance to move forward leaving all that behind me!!

It was really strange, I wasn't nervous and the meeting went very well and I was very calm both during and after, though it was very tiring. It will be a week or so until I know what help I'm being assigned and I will share what happens on my blog so you can follow my progress! I hope this inspires you to face your gremlins too.

The way I see it, although I hate being single and watching the years go by without the answer to my hearts desire, I need to use this time to make me the best possible me I can be. It is an opportunity to face my problems and fears and conquer them! Marriage is hard enough without carrying in a lot of emotional baggage!

I have also started working through a book called 'Mind Over Mood'. It has really helped me in just the first chapter to pull together all the problems I have in my past and the effects they have had on me. It helped me prepare for my counselling assessment and I believed that was why I was so calm. It shows you how your environment changes and life situations have an affect on your physical health, moods, behaviour, and thoughts and how by making changes in just one of those areas affects all the other areas! There are worksheets in the book to enable you to apply what you are reading to your own life. I highly recommend it.

I do hope you will follow my progress and find the strength to face your fears or help someone to face theirs!

The Jewel In My Crown

I was talking to a friend last night and one thing we talked about was the need for honesty. How can a guy know a girl likes him if the girl doesn't tell him? Well I am going to be honest with you as I have been increasingly so with my friends and family because I believe it is important for people to be able to talk about subjects that may be embarrassing.

When I was in school I made up having a boyfriend when I was 12 because if I had admitted that I didn't have one I would have been teased dreadfully. By 16 I was warding off comments about my sexual activity by refusing to answer because If I admitted to being a virgin, I would never have lived it down and trust me they had enough to make fun of me without me adding fuel to the fire! So how about this for fuel? I am 34 and still a virgin! (Now if you're a guy reading this that was not an invitation or a challenge!) I am still a virgin because I have not had the blessing of a husband and I decided long ago that I would follow Gods Word and give myself to only one man, my husband! Unfortunately, I am still waiting, crying to God for answers as to why I am still single and waiting, patiently, impatiently but always faithfully!

Well a couple of nights ago as I was thinking about a friend of mine. In total honesty I told him I was a virgin and he said to me that being a virgin was a very desirable trait to a man and he wasn't a Christian. As I was thinking about that I realised that my virginity is not something to be ashamed of but in fact it is 'THE JEWEL IN MY CROWN'

Psalm for the Lonely

Hi,

I know it has been a while since I wrote my last Blog. I told you I wasn't any good at keeping daily diaries! It also helps when you know people are actually reading it!

I have been really struggling with being single since I last wrote and one night when I was feeling really lonely and I was struggling to sleep a few lines of a poem or song came to me and I had to get up and write them down. The rest of the Psalm followed and I would like to share it with you in the hope it will encourage you as it has me.

Lonely, I'm Lonely

Without you here

Only, I'm only

Alone when you're not near

Hurting, I'm Hurting

Through trouble and strife

Searching, I'm Searching

Your will in my life

Teach me, Oh Teach me

To wait on you Lord

Help me, Oh Help me

To trust in your Word

For you, oh Lord, know me inside and out

You know my dreams without any doubt

You see the whole picture, You are the key

Your plans are the best of life for me

Keep me on your narrow path, show me the way

Lead me, Oh Lead me day by day by day.

Feel free to share this with your friends if you wish. I want to see Gods kingdom furthered and am not concerned with personal gain.

I was feeling very depressed when I wrote this but as wretched as I felt I could not write a poem with out any hope or reflection of my trust in God even when so often I struggle to keep that trust. I want you to know that whatever troubles you are going through I understand how hard it is for you to keep hoping and trusting God. I have failed so often in that and cried out to God. Does he even hear? Why does he not answer? Why is it that I seem so unimportant to Him? I don't have the answers to why God should take his time answering our prayers, our dreams, the desires that burn our very hearts but I can share with you that even in this time of endless waiting God is revealing more of his desires to me, for me. That I am right to keep waiting, hoping, praying and to wait for Him to do it in His way, His time even though I wonder why I wait so faithfully. He is a God of honour and He will honour our sacrifices for Him. Many time have I cried for God to do something, hurry up, I have tried to be open to different ways God could lead me to my husband even going onto Christian dating internet sites. You know maybe God wants me to do something before He will. I have given up on the dating sites. They are just another place to feel rejected and I don't believe that for me that is where God wants me to be. So I am back here, unable to do anything for myself and trusting, trusting God to write me a beautiful, romantic, perfect, GODLY love story.

My God is a God of miracles and over the last couple of years my friends have been receiving God's miracles in the form of babies that without God they couldn't have had. I believe it is time for us to rise up in prayer and claim God's miracles in our lives in the form of our perfect partner! (please don't think I'm looking for a perfect man. I'm looking for the man who is perfect for me!) Join me today to say to God "Rise up mighty men and women who are faithful to you and your word and bring them to us that we might see the perfect miracle from you in our lives. That this trial of singleness will finally end!" Amen

Dear friends I hope that you will find God's peace through these words I have shared with you today and that you will know God's perfect will in your life. God be with you 'til next time