The Day I Hit My Dad

Well it's been a while since I last wrote. The main reason being that my doctor changed my antidepressants and they have knocked me for six!

For the first 3 days I did practically nothing but sleep then when I felt more awake I did lots of activities and tired myself out again! Since then I have been feeling rather tired and very strange! I can't really explain what it is I am feeling so if I'm not feeling better by the end of the week I will be going back to the doctor to see if she can work it out! I hope I feel better soon though because it is quite hard to cope with that and everything else that goes on day to day, not least my mental health in general.

While I have been trying to adjust to the new tablets I received a letter from the Community Mental Health team following my assessment and I have been referred to another department and a few days later I heard from them and found that there might be a waiting list of several months. I hope it is much less than that because I have been really down and my moods have been erratic recently. I feel worse than I ever have and more in need of counselling. I have never before actually felt I needed counselling!

I have been finding my dad (who also suffers from depression) really hard to cope with recently and it is really difficult to see if that is because of how he is or how I am or both! Where I have been in the best position to understand how he feels before I now seem to have NO patience with him or sympathy for him! For the first time ever I actually physically lashed out at him last week. I was able to put some control into it so I just smacked him twice on his knee as I passed his chair but I wanted to thump him or something! That really worried me! The Mental health department contacted me to let me know they were going to take on my case and to ask for information about how I was. I was very specific and told them I had hit my dad because I don't like being out of control and I really want to get help before it becomes a problem I can't control!! I didn't ever think I would be capable of this!!

This might be quite uncomfortable for people to read but I am being totally honest because I want anyone who stumbles upon my blog to see that these kind of emotions can overtake anyone and not to be ashamed to admit it or ask for help. I am not ashamed of what I have done because it has a root and the shame is in letting those emotions rule you and NOT get help to control them! I will continue to share how things go so that you will see how to deal with similar problems or help those in similar situations.

I am away at a friends this week so that I can have some space away from my dad and the situation and to have some fun in the hope that when I return home my moods will have settled down and I will feel happier and more secure! My friend has a kitten and it is the first time He and Dulcie will have met so we are both looking forward to seeing how they react to each other. Keep your eyes open as I will post any fun videos or cute pictures of them both!

Well I am going to sign off now.

Wishing you all well throughout the days ahead

God Bless

Teri

Moving Forward

Today I went to see a Community Mental Health Specialist (my that sounds awfully dramatic!) It was an assessment for counselling. I have decided that now is the time to face the abuse that I received as a child head on! I was sexually abused by my brother’s best friend. I believe it has a lot to do with my single state. It affects my attitude to men and my subconscious vibes. I have been told before that when I am on my own I give off a ‘hands off’ air! However now is the time to allow myself the chance to move forward leaving all that behind me!!

It was really strange, I wasn't nervous and the meeting went very well and I was very calm both during and after, though it was very tiring. It will be a week or so until I know what help I'm being assigned and I will share what happens on my blog so you can follow my progress! I hope this inspires you to face your gremlins too.

The way I see it, although I hate being single and watching the years go by without the answer to my hearts desire, I need to use this time to make me the best possible me I can be. It is an opportunity to face my problems and fears and conquer them! Marriage is hard enough without carrying in a lot of emotional baggage!

I have also started working through a book called 'Mind Over Mood'. It has really helped me in just the first chapter to pull together all the problems I have in my past and the effects they have had on me. It helped me prepare for my counselling assessment and I believed that was why I was so calm. It shows you how your environment changes and life situations have an affect on your physical health, moods, behaviour, and thoughts and how by making changes in just one of those areas affects all the other areas! There are worksheets in the book to enable you to apply what you are reading to your own life. I highly recommend it.

I do hope you will follow my progress and find the strength to face your fears or help someone to face theirs!

Singles diary day 2

Hi Again,

Well I would say that this is a good start, making it to day 2, but my computer is running about 3 seconds behind me so I have to keep waiting for it to catch up so I can read what I have written. I Have closed down a couple of programs that were running to see if that has helped and now it s only 1 second behind me! lol! This is going to be fun!

So how has your day been? I had to go and see the doctor today about my cough and she has put me on a medication that will probably make me sleep lots and I am not sure if that is a good thing or not! Then my mum and I did a little Christmas Shopping for some presents for My nephew and nieces and some for friends. Still have loads to get but need to get well first!

I spoke my doctor about referring me for counselling over an unresolved issue from my childhood that may be affecting my relationship with men. Anyone else out here identify with this issue? I'm sharing this because I think there are a lot of people out there who are , Like me, struggling but don't know how to talk about it or don't have anyone to talk to.

I know, we are Christians, we have God but God never works like we want him to or think he should and that causes us to struggle in our faith alongside the issue of being single.

Are we supposed to rely on God to guide our steps and lead us to our perfect mate? Or are we supposed to try out every guy/girl we meet because God 'helps those who help themselves' ? (it doesn't say that anywhere in the bible by the way folks!) Or is there some road in the middle that we need to walk on and how do we know it is the right path or if we have met the right person for us?And is it possible that we have met them but freewill (theirs or ours) got in the way?

If you are asking yourself any or all of these questions then come and join me in debating them and at the same time building friendships that are safe and supportive.

I don't have all the answers to these questions any more than you do but I hope that we can help each other find a way through this difficult, painful waiting time!

I ve spent the last 15 years praying for the right man for me. I have gone to church ,been involved in church activities, travelled to different places and attended different churches, moved 400 miles (I did feel it was the move God wanted me to make), joined an online Christian dating agency and still I'm single! Why?

That is why I am considering counselling Because I don't want my past to be interfering with my future.

On this day, I urge you to look at your life. If the perfect person was in front of you now. How would you feel? Are you ready or would you wish to change things about you? Be thinner, more confident, tidier, more careful about what you said and how you said it? A lot of these are my personal goals and the one I am working on now is trying to swear less (or at least use innocuous words like "drat", "sausages" and "flipping Nora" is my latest not cool but I'm not ashamed of them either)

Romans 12 v 2 says " Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind" popularised by the saying "Go against the flow"! That is what I intend to do. Not caring about what the world thinks but about what God thinks and what my future husband would think and about being myself and being true to myself!

Are you with me?

Let me know!

I pray that God will give us the Serenity to accept the things we cannot change

Courage to change the things we can and the Wisdom to know the difference.

God Bless,

Teri xx