The Day I Hit My Dad

Well it's been a while since I last wrote. The main reason being that my doctor changed my antidepressants and they have knocked me for six!

For the first 3 days I did practically nothing but sleep then when I felt more awake I did lots of activities and tired myself out again! Since then I have been feeling rather tired and very strange! I can't really explain what it is I am feeling so if I'm not feeling better by the end of the week I will be going back to the doctor to see if she can work it out! I hope I feel better soon though because it is quite hard to cope with that and everything else that goes on day to day, not least my mental health in general.

While I have been trying to adjust to the new tablets I received a letter from the Community Mental Health team following my assessment and I have been referred to another department and a few days later I heard from them and found that there might be a waiting list of several months. I hope it is much less than that because I have been really down and my moods have been erratic recently. I feel worse than I ever have and more in need of counselling. I have never before actually felt I needed counselling!

I have been finding my dad (who also suffers from depression) really hard to cope with recently and it is really difficult to see if that is because of how he is or how I am or both! Where I have been in the best position to understand how he feels before I now seem to have NO patience with him or sympathy for him! For the first time ever I actually physically lashed out at him last week. I was able to put some control into it so I just smacked him twice on his knee as I passed his chair but I wanted to thump him or something! That really worried me! The Mental health department contacted me to let me know they were going to take on my case and to ask for information about how I was. I was very specific and told them I had hit my dad because I don't like being out of control and I really want to get help before it becomes a problem I can't control!! I didn't ever think I would be capable of this!!

This might be quite uncomfortable for people to read but I am being totally honest because I want anyone who stumbles upon my blog to see that these kind of emotions can overtake anyone and not to be ashamed to admit it or ask for help. I am not ashamed of what I have done because it has a root and the shame is in letting those emotions rule you and NOT get help to control them! I will continue to share how things go so that you will see how to deal with similar problems or help those in similar situations.

I am away at a friends this week so that I can have some space away from my dad and the situation and to have some fun in the hope that when I return home my moods will have settled down and I will feel happier and more secure! My friend has a kitten and it is the first time He and Dulcie will have met so we are both looking forward to seeing how they react to each other. Keep your eyes open as I will post any fun videos or cute pictures of them both!

Well I am going to sign off now.

Wishing you all well throughout the days ahead

God Bless

Teri

Oh No! Not Valentines Day Again!

Valentines day again! That day when most singles feel like life isn't worth living if they haven't got a date or at the very least one valentines card!!! I have never received a valentines card in my life! Sooo depressing!!

I was chatting to a friend today and she was telling me that Americans have valentines cards for all kinds of relationships, friends, family etc and it made me think that Valentines day should be a day that celebrates all kinds of Love not just romantic Love!

So I would like to tell my parents and family how much I love them, how much I appreciate all they do and have ever done for me. For taking me back in when I got poorly and looking after me and always being there for me and loving me!

To my friends I love you all very much! Thank you for all the support you give me and for always being there! You all have such very special gifts and I am proud to be your friend!

I'm not feeling very down today although I am very tired having had a change in medication for depression. Apparently they make you sleepy!

Moving Forward

Today I went to see a Community Mental Health Specialist (my that sounds awfully dramatic!) It was an assessment for counselling. I have decided that now is the time to face the abuse that I received as a child head on! I was sexually abused by my brother’s best friend. I believe it has a lot to do with my single state. It affects my attitude to men and my subconscious vibes. I have been told before that when I am on my own I give off a ‘hands off’ air! However now is the time to allow myself the chance to move forward leaving all that behind me!!

It was really strange, I wasn't nervous and the meeting went very well and I was very calm both during and after, though it was very tiring. It will be a week or so until I know what help I'm being assigned and I will share what happens on my blog so you can follow my progress! I hope this inspires you to face your gremlins too.

The way I see it, although I hate being single and watching the years go by without the answer to my hearts desire, I need to use this time to make me the best possible me I can be. It is an opportunity to face my problems and fears and conquer them! Marriage is hard enough without carrying in a lot of emotional baggage!

I have also started working through a book called 'Mind Over Mood'. It has really helped me in just the first chapter to pull together all the problems I have in my past and the effects they have had on me. It helped me prepare for my counselling assessment and I believed that was why I was so calm. It shows you how your environment changes and life situations have an affect on your physical health, moods, behaviour, and thoughts and how by making changes in just one of those areas affects all the other areas! There are worksheets in the book to enable you to apply what you are reading to your own life. I highly recommend it.

I do hope you will follow my progress and find the strength to face your fears or help someone to face theirs!